Behind the Mask: I'm Like Humpty Fucking Dumpty

This is just going to be one of those 'spill your heart out' type of things. Its not going to be coherent and its probably not going to make any sense whatsoever, so if you want to stop reading now I give you full permission. I don't really even know what I want to say...its just all of these goddamn emotions got so built up that I needed to let them spill out somewhere. And this blog is probably my best option, because at least I wouldn't be bitching at anyone in person. I guess it all started three weeks ago...this whole..well lets call him "toy store" ordeal. Toy Store...was my first serious relationship. Like honestly, I was absolutely crazy about him. I mean, yeah, there had been Nick and Jimmy a while ago...but as much as I liked them, this really didn't even compare. And now...now that we're not together anymore...I can't focus. I can't think; its hard to breathe and eat and I just feel...empty and miserable. Mayday Parade had it right with the song "miserable at best" because honestly, without him I /am/ miserable at best. He was quite honestly the most important person in my life when we were together, and I know I shouldn't make a certain person a priority but I really couldn't help it. Just being with a person who can make you feel that way...its bad. Because they're all you think about. And even when you're not together anymore, they're still all you think about. Even the things you didn't particularly like about them at the time just seem to disappear because you'd give anything just to have them back. You miss every little detail, even the little quirks that made them who they were. I'm sick of being hurt. I'm sick of pain. I'm sick of not being able to listen to a song without relating the lyrics to my own life and being sad about it. I'm sick of crying during movies we watched together, even if they weren't sad. I'm sick of making my self listen to /our/ song over and over because not only do I love it, but I love what it reminds me of. I can't go thirty seconds without thinking about something that reminds me of him. And frankly, that really is a terrible way to be. I need to be independent and get my mind off of this whole thing but I can't. Because as much as the wound in my heart has healed, the scar is there. And its a really big scar right now. And its still red. And it hurts. I hate being the girl that gets hurt every time she falls for someone and they fall for her; I hate being second best; second choice. I hate the fact that I feel this horrible pain. I just want to go back to normal; get my mind off of this but I know I can't because I just have that...that deep bond like thing. The worst part was that not only did I lose my boyfriend (who I can honestly say I loved) but I lost my best friend; the person I turned to most easily when I needed help with someone, or just wanted to talk. And when we broke up...I wanted to talk to someone about it, and the only person I wanted to talk about it with was my best friend but I couldn't because it was /him/ and /he/ was the one who broke my heart...